My anxiety spiraled quickly from the paper disappearing to the virus, to fascism, to the entire state of the world, to feeling trapped, to the room spinning, to having to sit down, to crying, to not sleeping. I've been leaving the house every day to walk or run (I'll likely stay in today. I hate this weather!) It's actually not so different from the 4 years I worked remotely, except that I can't get a cup of coffee out. Usually that's not so bad, but my head hurts behind my eyes today from having a panic attack and I impulsively deleted my social media so I didn't have to search for breadcrumbs of delight among people yelling into the void. Is this yelling into the void?
I won't even take ibuprofen in case it's the virus because I read it could be bad for you.
About a year ago, my friend introduced me to a podcast called "Unfuck your Brain," which is the kind of self-help capitalist bullshit I'd normally avoid, but I actually have found myself using the tools from Kara, the "master self-confidence coach." She talks a lot about numbing – the things we do to make ourselves feel better in the short term, but that aren't necessarily feeding us from within. It's a weird rec, but one that I've enjoyed despite myself.
I can't believe how let down I feel by Zotero – I trusted you, Zotero!
In other news from the couch, someone keeps graffitting the pedestrian bridge near my house.
jesus i can't even imagine how horrifying that must have been for your paper to disappear like that. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI loved this phrase: "breadcrumbs of delight among people yelling into the void" this perfectly articulates my difficulty with social media. fwiw i have been off of twitter and instagram for a week now and I am measurably calmer.
solidarity!
This sucks!! I'm so sorry! Thanks for UYB, I'm going to listen tonight. I've found whatever I'm doing at night is really helping or hurting me the next day -- I stayed up too late watching something scary and woke up really anxious.
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